Living on Purpose

Most of what is taught about making a personal relationship work is wrong!

Once in a while, you come across individuals who can back up their opinions and claims with real examples and research to support their comments. Recently we were introduced to the work of Dr. John Gottman of Seattle. For 30 years, he and his team of researchers have conducted in-depth “Love Lab” studies of relationships.

The findings might surprise you.

A pleasant affirmation is that much of Dr. Gottman’s work is supported by the CRG approach, models, and assessments. We will not have enough space to go into all the details of his findings but here are some of the highlights.

Before we go to the positive behaviors that build a relationship, let’s review what predicts separation or divorce—with over 90% accuracy.

All relationships—successful and unsuccessful—have conflicts and disagreements, but what happens in successful relationships is much different.

Dr. Gottman’s research team has isolated four specific behaviors that, if left unchecked, will lead to a downward spiral. Here they are.

Criticism:

Criticism can start as a complaint. If it moves to a personal attack and people start to blame their partner, that is not healthy. If the critic maintains his or her partner is defective and 100% responsible for the problem, that is no longer simply a complaint. In that escalated situation, blaming words are often used, such as “you always,” “you never,” or “what’s wrong with you?”—which no one can successfully answer.

Contempt:

This is the steroid version of criticism, where one person shows disinterest or rolls his or her eyes while the partner is trying to say something important. These individuals think and feel they are better than the other person. Shows of contempt and arrogance can include mocking, sarcasm, and name-calling. This behavior is the single biggest predictor for a path toward divorce or separation.

Now for some other interesting facts . . .

A significant discovery was made during the research team’s lab work: Many individuals, during heated arguments and discussions, had their pulse rate go way over 100 beats per minute. It was also confirmed that once your pulse rate goes over 95 beats per minute—during an argument—you are no longer able to be rational in your conduct or comments.

It becomes a biophysical condition where your system is flooded with adrenaline and other hormones. Your body believes it is in danger and must protect itself at all costs. In other words, it is impossible to safely continue the discussion under these circumstances. Unless you can instantly calm yourself down, you need a Time Out.

As many of you know, one of the most dangerous situations that law enforcement can experience is a highly charged domestic dispute—the individuals involved are no longer able to be rational, due to their heightened physical state. This explains why—during times of raised pulse rates—we say and do things we normally would not and for which we feel remorse later on.

It was also discovered that anger itself is not a predictor of separation unless the four above behaviors are part of your anger.

Conflict resolution processes DO NOT work unless an environment of friendship is present!

That’s right. All the communication skills and conflict resolution processes will not work unless a spirit of friendship exists in the relationship. We all have witnessed or been part of a disagreement where skilled individuals failed miserably in the communication process. It must be noted that successful relationships also have conflict but the individuals are able to get past their issues because of their positive friendship bank account.

What factors contribute to friendship in a relationship?

Building credibility and friendship with our partners means accepting our differences and making adjustments for them. One of the most difficult concepts CRG teaches is the ability to suspend our judgment toward others when their conduct is different than what we think is appropriate.

Now that does not mean we should not be accountable and aware of our own behavior. We have been created with a specific personal style, gifts, and talents. To deny them is to do a disservice to ourselves and others. But when your partner is different, happiness is developing the ability to embrace the differences and not get caught in a project to “change your partner.”

There is much more about this topic we could cover here, but this will get you started. To assist you to know thyself and thy partner, we suggest CRG resources for you both. Once you have completed them, you can share your discoveries and results. You can be sure these resources will enhance your friendship and contribute positively toward your emotional and friendship bank accounts.

To understand you partner’s uniqueness and perspective, complete the Personal Style Indicator, Values Preference Indicator, Self-Worth Inventory, and Stress Indicator and Health Planner.

To help you on your Source journey, I am recommending my new 88-page book and journal to take you on a personal discovery of enlightenment and affirmation and help you feel fulfilled: My Source EXPERIENCE Journal™ – A Personal Discovery Process for Those Who Want to Lead a Passionate and Fulfilling Life.