This Week's Inspiration
The Lost Art of Parenting!
Parenting: |
The raising of a child; the taking care of someone in the manner of a parent |
- We don't have child behavioral problems; we have a parenting capability problem.
- Parents need to take responsibility not only for their kids' behaviors but for their own parenting skills and abilities.
In prior ezines, I have referenced The Dog Whisper from the Discovery Channel. Host Caesar Milan's tagline is that he rehabilitates dogs and trains people.
In many of the shows, dog owners insist the unruly behavior of their dog is not their fault. In most cases, Caesar is able to adjust the dog's conduct in just a few minutes through his method of providing consistent structure, discipline, and affection. Even after Caesar helps change a dog's behavior, many owners still deny they were to blame for their dog's previous actions. The fact remains that they did create the outcomes.
The process of parenting kids is not exactly the same as raising dogs but the principles are the same. Parenting skills or lack of parenting skills determine a child's behavior.
Have you ever been in a grocery store when a 5-year-old is being allowed to control the environment? Recently my mother-in-law was in line at a checkout counter. A 5-year-old was acting-up and his mother was belittling and threatening the child. Appalled, my mother-in-law bent down and in less than a minute, calmed the child with love and firmness. Then she corrected the mother for her poor behavior.
Last week, a 12-year-old in Vancouver was abducted and sexually assaulted after getting off a bus. What was a 12-year-old doing on a bus on her own at 2:30 on a Sunday morning?
A year ago, one of the girls in my daughter's Grade 7 class arrived at a school event looking like a streetwalker. Her parents are nice people and well-to-do. Their daughter, an only child, does what she wants. Her parents provide no guidance, no structure, no consequences, and no responsibilities—and it shows.
Many of today's parents are abdicating their responsibilities by not providing leadership and guidance for their children.
Labels like terrible 2s and teenage rebels must be banished! That mindset only breeds what you don't want. How about terrific 2s and responsible teenagers? You get what you talk about and what you expect.
Parents' capabilities affect the well-being of their children.
Research conducted by the Gottman Institute proved that the emotional bond and content between parent and child is critical to child development. He discovered that parents who did five simple things with their kids were able to produce an entirely different development trajectory than the parents who did not.
What five practices did those parents implement?
- They were aware of the child's emotions.
- They recognized emotional expression as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching instead of punitive or negative feedback.
- They listened empathetically and validated the child's feelings.
- They engaged the child's emotions in words the child understood.
- They coached the child to come up with an appropriate way to solve a problem or deal with an upsetting issue or situation.
In his research, Dr. Gottman has found that children of parents who coached them on their emotions have more general abilities with their own emotions than children who are not coached by their parents. In other words, the "coached" children grow up to become what Dan Goleman calls "emotionally intelligent" people.
What are the characteristics of emotion-coached children?
- They are able to self-regulate their emotional states.
- They are better at soothing themselves when they are upset.
- They can calm their hearts faster after something upsetting happens.
- They have fewer infectious illnesses.
- They are better at focusing their attention.
- They relate better to other people, even in tough situations such as getting teased in middle school.
- They are better at understanding people.
- They have better friendships with other children.
- They are better in school situations that require academic performance.
By the way, emotional intelligence levels have been linked directly to success in all areas of life.
Contrary to the liberal parenting models of the past, young children require discipline and structure; they should not be permitted to make their own decisions. I recall one of my relatives asking her 8-year-old whether or not she wanted to attend a family event. I thought to myself, Are you kidding?
Other Parenting Myths
- Teenagers can make all their decisions on their own!
Sorry, not true. They still require guidance.
- I let my young child decide what he wants.
How could a 10-year-old consider all the options and make the right decision? Sure, they can be involved in the decision but the parent always has executive privilege.
- If I don't let her do what she wants, my daughter will hate me.
Incorrect. Structure and discipline provide emotional stability for children; lack of structure and discipline creates the opposite.
- I can't control the little brat.
A parent's emotional state influences a child's responses and emotional condition, not the other way around.
Every child and person has a purpose. The sooner you can connect individuals—even teenagers—to their passions and purpose, the more emotionally healthy and productive they will become.
Remember: The emotional capabilities of parents influence
the condition of their children.
The following resources apply to everyone over 15 years of age.
To help you on your journey to confirm your beliefs and purpose in all areas in your life, I recommend my 88-page workbook, My Source EXPERIENCE Journal™. It will take you on a personal discovery that to help you confirm and affirm your passions in life.
As additional building blocks, I also suggest CRG's Values Preference Indicator, Self-Worth Inventory, Stress Indicator and Health Planner, and the Personal Style Indicator.
To help you establish and verify the beliefs you really want, follow these Action Steps and complete the recommended resources.
This Week's Action Steps
The Lost Art of Parenting!
- We don't have child behavioral problems; we have parenting capability problems.
- If you are a parent, have you taken responsibility for the emotional intelligence of your children?
- Even if your kids are grown up or you don't have kids, you likely have relatives who have kids. Are you seen as an emotional coach to them?
- How would you or others rate your parenting capabilities? What could you do to improve?
- Apply the five practices that emotionally grounded parents implement with their kids.
- Be aware of your child's emotions.
- Recognize emotional expression as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching instead of punitive or negative feedback.
- Listen empathetically and validate the child's feelings.
- Engage the child's emotions in words he or she understands.
- Coach your child to come up with an appropriate way to solve a problem and deal with an upsetting issue or situation.
- Be aware of your child's emotions.
- Another study showed you reduce teenager drug-abuse by the simple act of having dinner together as a family.
- Become involved with your child's life. Go to the games, attend the concerts, and so on. This week, my son accomplished his first flight-training toward becoming a pilot. Two sets of grandparents and his immediate family were all in attendance to enjoy the moment with him.
- Sorry. Online and room privacy does not apply to kids under 19. We monitor our kids' online interactions; their rooms are public domain.
- Everyone has a purpose, passions, and gifts. The sooner you can get your kids connected to their purpose, passions and gifts, the better.
- To help you or kids 15 and older get clearer on personal passion, calling, and purpose, I encourage you to engage the process outlined step-by-step in My Source EXPERIENCE Journal™ – A Personal Discovery Process for Those Who Want to Lead a Passionate and Fulfilling Life.
- Benchmark your gifts, talents, and preferences by using CRG assessments. Your results will assist you to establish your beliefs with confidence and clarity. As part of the clarification process, we recommend three specific assessments.
- To identify your natural preferences and strengths, complete the Personal Style Indicator (PSI).
- To clarify your core values, complete the Values Preference Indicator (VPI).
- To understand how your level of self-worth is affecting your success, complete the Self-Worth Inventory (SWI).
- Parenting is a great gift and a privilege; it also is a responsibility we all must take seriously. Our future depends on it.
Until next time, keep Living On Purpose!
Ken Keis
For information on CRG Resources, please visit http://crgleader.com.
This 52-page PDF outlines and provides a summary of most of our 100+ resources. It also provides valuable articles that you can re-purpose or forward to others.
Online Personal Style Indicator
Online Values
Preference Indicator
Online Stress Indicator and Health Planner
For Consultants, Coaches, Trainers, Speakers, and HR Professionals. In this 3-day intensive workshop, you learn how to transform others by using CRG solutions and access a residual income model for your own business!
Register now:
October 15–17, 2009
Download the Detailed CRG Assessment Systems Certification PDF
Not a subscriber?
just click here!
Once you take one of our assessments, you can´t wait to learn more! You can purchase assessments to use yourself or to distribute to family, friends, co-workers, and even bosses. Wouldn´t you also like to see your closest friends and family LIVING ON PURPOSE? Click here for Online Assessments!
|
We look forward to hearing from
you! Either reply to this ezine, or direct your questions and correspondence from our Website.
Click here to forward this ezine to people in your life who will benefit from the advice and tips we´re giving on personal performance, character, and how to live a successful life on purpose. |
