In Why Aren’t You More Like Me?™ we ground you in the powerful knowledge of style and the way it applies in all areas of your life. We don’t have time in the book to take you on a journey to confirm your life purpose, interests, talents, gifts, or calling; that is the content and process in another of my books, My Source Journal EXPERIENCE™.

What is a Value?

A value is something that has great desirability or worth to you—it is important enough that you spend time trying to obtain or keep it as part of your lifestyle. A value is simply a label for something that is imperative to you. For the purposes of this book and our Values Preference Indicator, values are internal and personal to you.

You will find you have embraced certain values from your environment and/or social factors; other values seem part of your genetic makeup. Regardless of the potential source or circumstances, the key is to understand that your values are uniquely yours.

Your values reflect a vital part of who you are. Knowing what is most important to you and why can be helpful for making meaningful decisions in all parts of your life. It is very difficult to make decisions about work, recreation, home, and interpersonal relationships without first knowing what is most important to you.

People who are confused and unclear about their values often have difficulty making the bigger decisions in life because they do not know themselves well enough to decide what would be best for them. That is especially true today with all the mixed messages that pull us in various directions.

For instance, if you value organization, you will work best in an organized environment. If you value pleasure, you will value situations and people who create pleasurable experiences for you. Individuals tend to value different things and types of situations because they have different needs within them.

The Importance of Values Cuts Two Ways

As critical as it is to be clear about our own values, it is equally important to understand the values and related needs of the major interpersonal relationships in your life.

People with different values tend to disagree more than individuals with similar values.

Conflict in relationships, both at home and at work, often can occur because two individuals have opposite views on a situation. Their perceptions and viewpoints are largely influenced by their values.

For example, a wife who values security may argue with her husband who values recreation because he wants to buy a speedboat, but she prefers to use their resources to open a savings account.

Values by definition are intensely personal. That is true for you and for everyone you meet. It is key to remember that what you feel is important (value) might not even make the radar of another person, and vice versa.

Although that observation seems blatantly obvious, many individuals still do not acknowledge the various values that each of us holds and the deep implications that values have in ALL our interactions with others.

We suggest that you encourage the people with whom you interact—both personally and professionally—to get clear about your values. Consider completing CRG’s Values Preference Indicator and use the process as a center point for discussions so you can understand each other better.

The power of the values clarification is equally as profound for learning what other people value as it is for learning what you value.

Each style dimension has related needs, fears, and values. What drives me to behave in certain ways may not drive you.

For example, I spent long hours sitting at a computer, writing this book. The decision to use this time to produce a book rather than do something else was inspired by my values, which include needs and fears. The variables will differ for others, inspiring them to use their time to complete tasks such as restoring an old car or learning a foreign language. I have little interest in doing either!

Theories on internal motivation suggest we are stimulated to engage things that meet our predominant needs and to disengage from activities that do not meet our needs. When something consistently meets a particular need of ours, it becomes more attractive and valuable to us. We value most whatever best meets our needs.

Author Anthony Robbins for the past 20 years has outlined motivation as moving toward or moving away from events and stimuli with which we either connect or disconnect.

We can tell what is important to us by listening to the “voice” of our feelings. Feelings are related to needs and values. When you feel satisfied to engage in a particular activity, something about that activity is meeting a need of yours; when you feel dissatisfied, that activity does not fulfill your needs.

Activities that consistently make you feel positive (happy, joyful, confident, proud) are therefore more important and valuable to you than activities that leave you feeling negative (upset, sad, mad, disappointed, depressed).

What Do You Really Value?

Values should be anchor points for living our lives. After conducting values programs (in conjunction with style programs) for more than 30 years, with thousands of individuals, we are continually surprised by the high percentage of people who are unclear or uncertain about their values.

If you are willing to easily change or sell out on a value, we maintain that value was not important to you in the first place. Although values do change and are revised throughout your lifetime (such as when individuals have children), there is usually a solid foundation of core behavioral values that is non-negotiable.

When reviewing the list of values, many times people want to have 7 number one values. But you can’t have 7 number one values.

Whether we realize it or not, we are constantly choosing one value over another in our daily lives. In many cases, what we state is important to us is not always reflected in our life choices.

Every day your choices reveal not only your style preferences but your core values.

But why the delay on my part—in choosing the concert over the meeting? Some false beliefs were influencing my desire to attend the investment meeting; one was the fear of loss. I was incorrectly framing the meeting as my last chance to get into a ground-level development with a high rate of return.

I must have thought there would never ever be another investment opportunity like that one! In hindsight, that was not true. The real truth was that my children would never again have that concert.

So what about you? Are you aware of your core values and the related needs and fears that underlie each value?

And are you also aware of the core values of the people that make up your most important relationships? If not, use this chapter to start a dialogue about each other’s values.